The onion online dating

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I don’t see anyone writing love songs about meeting in the break room and sharing a dollup of Coffeemate. Some are very useful, and some are extremely unique.

INDIANAPOLIS—Upon discovering what appeared to be an ideal parking spot Friday, members of the Jowhari family reportedly dispatched their mother, Anita, on a fact-finding mission to investigate the details of a nearby street sign.

PALM BEACH, FL—Clawing over each other and gasping for air as they emerged, hundreds of miniature Sean Hannitys reportedly burst from Roger Ailes’ corpse Thursday shortly after the former Fox News CEO’s death.

WASHINGTON—Fed up with the constant notifications about threats to the United States, an exasperated President Trump was trying to figure out how to unsubscribe from the boring national security email list, sources reported Thursday.

SAN ANTONIO—Shuddering as he recalled the details of the traumatic encounter, local man Christopher Gao told reporters Thursday that he walked in on one of his roommates having his way with his leftovers in the kitchen.